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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403057">Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaemonSultanAzathoth/pseuds/DaemonSultanAzathoth'>DaemonSultanAzathoth</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:20:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,296</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27403057</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaemonSultanAzathoth/pseuds/DaemonSultanAzathoth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Nyarlathotep gets bored and decides to masquerade as a  Human Wizard, whose name just happens to be Harry Potter. Post-GOF</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: I own nothing, I live in a van down by the river! If anyone gets that reference you win two paper clips and an IOU.</p><p>I am Nyarlathotep, AKA The Dark Pharaoh, AKA The Crawling Chaos, AKA The God of the Bloody Tongue, AKA Mr. Tiddles. And I am bored, there has been no correspondence from my human form's associates all aestas. The Heir of Yig has them frightened, like rabbits and the hunting fox, a fox with a mangled soul. If you're going to create a phylactery the least you could do is make it properly, don't make a horcrux, Yig produced a cheapskate! I laughed rather loudly imagining the look on Yig's face if he ever found this out, the fat one shouted something derogatory at me from the floor below.</p><p>Feeling mischievous I yell something equally horrid back at the mentally deficient human. Smirking as loud footsteps echo through the hallway, I quickly shift into one of my more horrifying avatars. The door is wrenched open and a giant body topped with a puce face appears. Words die on the moron's lips as its face pales rapidly, the fat human lets out a somewhat strangled scream followed by it waddling down the hall as fast as its underused legs can. Seeming to forget about the stairs ahead, I watch as the fat lump of cellulite tumbles pudgy face first down the flight of stairs, coming to rest, unconscious. At the bottom of an oddly undamaged staircase.</p><p>"Well, now that that bit of business is out of the way, I'm going for a walk." I tell the horrified thin one.</p><p>I calmly stroll out the door and down the street, paying no mind to my 'hidden' guard under an invisibility cloak nearby. It's a wonder how this band of imbeciles managed to go toe to toe with Tommy boy's minions in the last war. I walk for around ten minutes before finally reaching my destination, a park. Idly sitting on a swing set, enjoying the scenery, grassy fields and anything nature related were always more my niece Shub's thing, but I believe anyone can learn to admir- Shit! The Cults! I've spent so much time screwing with these wizards that I've forgotten the FUCKING Cults! I'm never gonna hear the end of this. N'yog is never going to let me live this blunder down. Father's gonna flip when he hears about this, oh who am I kidding he probably already knows about this. I had started pacing at this point in my train of thought.</p><p>"What's got you so worked up Potter?" an unwelcome voice asked. "Oh fuck off Dudley, why don't you go try and annoy someone who actually gives a damn." I snapped at the idiot and his equally idiotic gang.</p><p>"Is it Cedric, who is he your boyfriend?" the stupid one plowed on as if I had never snapped at him. "Who? Oh he was the poor sap Yig's Heir killed." I said.</p><p>"He's going to kill me mum! Where is your mum Potter? Is she dead?" He 'taunted'. "Why do you four hang out with this idiot?" I asked. "This is like the fourth time this week you five have tried getting a rise out of me. With the same line of bullshit might I add." I asked.</p><p>When I saw they weren't listening, instead standing there laughing like imbeciles, I quickly shifted into my Dark Pharaoh avatar which made all five freeze in place like a tongue upon a metal pole.</p><p>"Ciao Dudley's hanger-ons, cuz and I need to have a little chat in that dark alley over there." I said while dragging a struggling Dudley into the darkness.</p><p>*Five Minutes Later*</p><p>A non-struggling Dudley and I, now in my Tick Tock Man avatar stroll out of the Alley of Doom™ and make our way to No. 4 Privet Drive.</p><p>*Ten Minutes Later*</p><p>An obviously distraught Petunia answers the door, her eyes widen when she sees the state of the stupid one. "Mr and Mrs Dursley? I'm here with the" I look at the made up name I wrote on my palm. "Little Whinging Psychiatric Institute, I'm afraid your son has gone insane for reasons I won't give you." I stated as I pushed their 'Little' dudders through the doorway. "Well, that concludes my business here. Bye!" I said slowly fading away.</p><p>I reappear in front of a line of houses. "Oh, how terrifying, a Fidelius Charm. Like that's gonna stop the Mighty Messenger of Azathoth himself." I said and walked through the wards as if they were but smoke.</p><p>As I stepped through the threshold and into the ancient house, I was instantly struck by the odor of mold and dust. I could feel the magic in the air, centuries upon centuries of spellcasters inhabiting this structure had caused magic to seep into the wood and metal holding the ancient mansion together. I could hear the sounds of a meeting in the next room over, They didn't notice me, good. I walked up the stairs, I had to fetch my old friend. Hedwig was not actually an owl, she was an old Shan, gifted to me by my father as a sort of birthday present. By this time I had shifted back into my Dark Pharaoh avatar, reaching a landing, the curtains over a large painting snapped open. Whatever the painting was going to say died on its lips as it saw me in all my horrifying glory. Its pupils shrunk in fear and already pale skin became almost corpse-like.</p><p>Fun Fact; Wizard paintings can do something which experts have dubbed 'Magic Radar' meaning anything with a gigantic magical signature like the Outer Gods and Great Old Ones come up as rather large blips on a portraits magic radar.</p><p>After reaching the top floor I started seeking out my familiar's signature. Aha! There you are in a room with..five...other….signatures….. "Shit I'm gonna have to reveal myself to those five aren't I? Crap..." I muttered to myself. "Welp best have some fun with it."</p><p>Opening the creaking door slowly I conjured fog to roll through the door and spread just above the floor. My arms crossed over my chest I floated in just above the fog covering the floor.</p><p>"Hermione Granger, Ginevra Weasley, Ronald Weasley, Frederick Weasley, and George Weasley, I have come from the Dreamlands to take your immortal souls!" I floated ever closer, getting nearer and nearer and their faces growing paler and paler. Without warning I swooped down close to Ron and plucked my familiar and her cage from behind his head. Then I slowly floated backwards through the doorway, closed it, then faded out of existence.</p><p>To Be Continued in the next Action Chapter of Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of Lovecraft's work and I never said I did, no matter what the charges say.</p><p>Fading back into existence once again on the ground floor, I let Hedwig out of her cage. She flys up and up coming to land on a beam in the rafters. Smiling at my beloved familiar one last time, I start wandering the big old house.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>"Oh, a library! I can practically feel the dark aura around some of these books! A Necronomicon! Wait, this is my copy, how the hell did it get here?" Shrugging I put the book in the invisible satchel hanging over my shoulder. Wandering the library, I found a book that caught my eye, 'Moste Vile Incantations' it was called. Finding my way back to where I started, I sat down in one of the cushy armchairs that littered the library.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>Looking up from the Tome as five sets of feet come running down the stairs. Hmm, seems like they snapped out of the shock I put them through.</p><p>Getting up, I sighed and put the book back. Looks like my time here is at its end. Turning in place I came face to face with no less than six wands, one of which I recognized as part of my Nephew Yog's first attempt at causing chaos within the wizarding community.</p><p>"So this is the Order of the Phoenix." I sneered.</p><p>The old one pursed it's lips "Who are you?" it said. Clearly disturbed at my mummy-esque appearance.</p><p>"The Dark Pharaoh, at your service." Smirking at the collective shiver at my name.</p><p>Some idiot flung a stupefy at me, I caught it and returned the spell back to whence it came.</p><p>"Well, best be hitting the ol' dusty trail." I said and walked through a shadow door as they just stood there, looking completely dumbfounded.</p><p>*Somewhere in Antarctica*</p><p>A shadow door materialized at the gates of my fortress, the Castle East. A massive structure six miles across and four thousand feet at the tallest tower, it's great halls extended deep into the earth, the lowest reaching the mantle. A dark gray blemish concealed from prying eyes only by an invisible glass-like forcefield. Sighing at the five dead guards laying in front of the gate. Looks like the Ghouls got 'em, I carefully stepped over one of the poor feckers. My steps echoing off the vast stone antechamber, I made my way to, before descending a large staircase on the right side of the room.</p><p>Coming to a stop in front of a vault door I swiped from Fort Knox. "N'ghft pharaoh geb mgahnnn yogor!" The door swung open and I strode in. Looking around, I immediately started taking stock of my things. Yog liked to prank me by using his cosmic power bullcrap to 'borrow' things from my vault. "Okay…" Scepter of Dagobert, Check. Florentine Diamond, Check. Tucker's Cross, Check. Fenn Treasure, Check. Amaro Pargo Treasure, Check. Ivory Coast Crown Jewels, Check. Victorio Peak Treasure, Check. Heirloom Seal of the Realm, Check. Nuestra Señora de Atocha Treasure, Check. Tsar's Treasure, Check. Dutch Schultz Treasure, Check. Little Bighorn Treasure, Check. Three Million Dollars Worth of Barber Dimes, Check. Six of Walt Whitman's Notebooks, Check. Final Scene of the Bayeux Tapestry, Check. Blackbeard's Treasure, Check. King John's Crown Jewels, Check. Cardenio, Check. The Amber Room, Check. Honjo Masamune Sword, Check. Ark of the Covenant, Check. Love's Labour's Won, Check. Mask of a Faun, Check. Flight 19, Check. "Hello Guys!" I yelled. "Please let us out…" Twelve airmen and two skeletons answered. Romanov Easter Eggs, Check. Holy Grail, Check. All the Gold from the Lost Dutchman Mine, Check. 20,000 Sets of Ancient Roman Armor, Check. Books from The Library of the Moscow Tsars, Check. Directors' Cut of Greed 1924, Check. London After Midnight 1927, Check. Convention City 1933, Check. Cleopatra 1917, Check. The Mountain Eagle 1927, Check. The Patriot, 1928. Hollywood 1923, Check.</p><p>"Okay, now onto the marina." USS Cyclops AC-4, Check. USS Wasp, Check. SS Marine Sulphur Queen, Check. USS Pickering, Check. Flor de la Mar, Check. MV Awa Maru, Check. USS Porpoise, Check. That reminds me, I was going to have to send out the Ghost Fleet soon. The Ghost Fleet was my main tool for causing chaos on the high seas, in which were ghostly-looking replicas of famous ghost ships. The fleet consisted of the Flying Dutchman, the Marlborough, the Carol A. Deering, the SS Bannockburn, the Governor Parr, the Lady Lovibond, the Kobenhavn, the SS Valencia, the HMS Eurydice, U-184, U-116, one Gallion, one Type IXC U-boat, and the SS Baychimo. All crewed by sophisticated android zombies. Okay back to the checklist, USS Proteus AC-9, Check. "USS Nere- Dammit! You Little Brat! Put the USS Nereus back! I know you can hear me, being outside the universe with your see-all know-all crap!" I was rewarded with no answer. Knowing I had to take desperate measures, I turned my back to the marina. "Well since you're going to be like that, then I guess I'll have to introduce Father to Wilbur and little Yog Jr…" Hearing a splash, I turned around and saw the USS Nereus. "Good, now remember Yog, I have SO much dirt on you."</p><p>With that done I exited the vault and made my way to the study. For I had a letter to write...</p><p>*Lord Voldemort's Fortress AKA Malfoy Manor*</p><p>"...or I shall slit your face before feeding your fractured soul to my great grand nephew Cthulhu.</p><p>With Hugs and Kisses,</p><p>The Dark Pharaoh" Lucius Malfoy finished.</p><p>"What the hell is this Lucius? I go on holiday for two weeks and you've already made an enemy with some rival Dark Lord, from Antarctica of all places! How the hell do you even do that! Voldemort raged. "Lucius kneel down." Voldemort said sweetly once he calmed down. "Ball Olei!" he Incanted, and a balloon full of cooking oil fell and broke upon Lucius's head, covering his hair in the substance.</p><p>"No, No Nooo!" Lucius screamed. "This is going to take forever to come out!" Tears fell from his eyes as Voldemort laughed maniacally into the night.</p><p>*Back in Antarctica*</p><p>As Hedwig flew out the owl hatch, I stood up and opened another shadow door.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>Arriving next to a garage in Dunkeld, the large door lurched open, revealing my pride and joy. A cherry red and white 1958 Plymouth Fury. She suddenly came to life, her headlights turned on, her engine started purring, and the radio started playing an old rock n' roll song.</p><p>"Hello Chrissy, I'm back!"</p><p>"Rrrrrrr, Rrrrrrrr." She revved in greeting.</p><p>"I need to get to Little Whinging. Ready to cause some chaos along the way?" She revved in a way I had long since figured out was agreement.</p><p>Shifting into the Rebel Without a Cause variant of my Harry avatar, I hopped in. Stepping on the gas pedal, her rear tires squealed and we peeled out of the alley and joined the other cars on the road.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>After driving for an hour, I finally arrived in Edinburgh. Seeing that Chrissy needed gas, I pulled into the nearest gas station. Walking into the store, I bought the gas. My boot heels were clicking off the asphalt as I walked back to Christine. While putting the nozzle in Chrissy's tank (Hummuna Hummuna) I found myself thinking about how terribly boring this was, a small part of me wished that something exciting would happen. It was at this exact moment that the Knight Bus sped past and delivered a very incensed Severus Snape upon the sidewalk.</p><p>"Well that's interesting." I muttered</p><p>Putting on a giant smile, I walked over to the irate potions master. "Hiya professor!" I said cheerfully.</p><p>"Potter," Snape spat "What the hell are you doing here?"</p><p>"Why, I'm on a road trip professor! Would you like to join me?" I pointed at Chrissy.</p><p>"Where did you get that car?" Snape interrogated.</p><p>"Her name is Christine. And she kinda found me."</p><p>Snape rolled his eyes at this. Obviously impressed.</p><p>"I reiterate my previous question. Would you like to join me?" raising one eyebrow in a questioning way.</p><p>"Okay." Snape ground out before walking over and getting in Chrissy's passenger seat.</p><p>"So, Where to?" I asked, turning the key and pulling out into traffic.</p><p>"Grimmauld Place, London." He said through gritted teeth.</p><p>"Good! It just so happens I'm passing through there." I said, "Music?" he shook his head. I took that as a yes and turned the knob.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>As we arrived in Carlisle, Snape's hand darted out and changed the radio station.</p><p>"...-ther news, the atomic submarine USS Nautilus reached the North Pole yesterday, the 3rd of August 1958. As many of our listeners kno-" Snape turned the knob back to the previous station at this point.</p><p>"Okay Potter, you've got me. Why does your car's radio only seem to pick up broadcasts from the past?"</p><p>"Oh I don't know, I guess Chrissy likes to be close to her origins. Or maybe she's Haunted, oooh scary!"</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>As we drove through Sheffield….Nothing interesting happened. Snape did look at me in disgust though.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>We left Nottingham, taking the A52 onto the A606, where I pulled over at a gas station.</p><p>"I'm going in to pay. Do you want anything?" I asked</p><p>Snape muttered something I interpreted as 'Egg Salad Sandwich'</p><p>A few minutes later I walked out of the store holding Snape's egg salad sandwich and a cup of Cowboy Mike's Red Hot Reaper Chili.</p><p>Opening Christine's door, I sat down and gave Snape his sandwich. Never would have pegged Snape for an egg salad sandwich fan, you learn something new every day. My train of thought ground to a screeching halt, as I noticed the now empty cup I held.</p><p>My arm pitched back, and I threw the cup where it landed perfectly in a nearby bin.</p><p>I sighed and took Christine out of park, then we were on the road again, I couldn't wait to get on the road again...sorry...</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>"Bye professor Snape! See you on September 1st! Tell Ron and Hermione I said Hi!"</p><p>Snape snarled something incomprehensible at my cheerfulness, then his eyes widened as the second part of it registered in his mind. He whirled around to ask how I knew they were there but found that I was already gone.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>I parked Chrissy at the curb outside Privet Drive. Right before I got to the door, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something intensely interesting. Walking over I grabbed the invisibility cloak and pulled it off, revealing a sleeping, or more likely, passed out Mundungus Fletcher.</p><p>"He's been here almost a week!?" I said, exasperated.</p><p>Mundungus was the same Order member who was 'guarding' me the day I made the stupid one go insane.</p><p>I kicked him in the side to see if he'd wake, then a second time to make sure, then a third time because I felt like it.</p><p>Kicking the front door open, I walked in.</p><p>"Hello Aunt and Uncle. I have returned!" The fat one started turning puce while the thin one burst into tears, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like 'I thought we were rid of you.'</p><p>"Well, I'm off to bed." I said with an almost cartoonishly fake yawn.</p><p>I walked to my room, only stopping to rip the many many locks off my door. Plopping down on the bed, I waited and waited and waited… Oh screw this!</p><p>*One Hour Later*</p><p>I waited in the darkness, for the...perfect...time…to...Strike!</p><p>"Hey guys, looking for me?"</p><p>"AHHHHH!" Tonks screamed.</p><p>"Potter! What the bloody buggering hell are you doing!"</p><p>"Sitting in my room Professor Moody. Why?"</p><p>"Po- ah never mind, get your broom."</p><p>"I can't just leave my car here!" I said.</p><p>"Y-your car? No we're not taking your bloody car!"</p><p>"Yes we are." I rebuked</p><p>"No we aren't."</p><p>"Yes we are."</p><p>*One Argument Later*</p><p>"Okay we can take your car." Moody said, looking defeated.</p><p>"Good! Let me just gather my things." I said cheerfully.</p><p>Walking down the stairs to Ye Olde Cupboard, I ripped the lock off and grabbed my trunk. The door closed behind me, well it was until I kicked it back open just to spite the idiots who lived here.</p><p>I sat in Christine, looking at my watch occasionally. Where the hell were they? I blew the horn and the four people in question filed out of the house.</p><p>"Come on, we don't have all night!" I yelled.</p><p>Kingsley, Tonks, and Doge got in back while Moody got in the passenger seat.</p><p>"Soo, Harry where'd you get the car?" Tonks asked.</p><p>"First, her name is Christine, and she sort of found me."</p><p>"But that doesn't make any sense, I mean it's just a car after all." Tonks said.</p><p>Chrissy revved angrily at this.</p><p>"Yes Chrissy, yes I know you're not just a car." I soothed, patting her dashboard.</p><p>Unbeknownst to me, my guests were looking at each other nervously.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>Pulling Christine up to the curb, I took the key out and got my trunk. I heaved it into the house, taking it up the stairs and coming to a rest outside the same door I had gone into to get Hedwig.</p><p>I readied myself, clapping my hands together, then. I kicked the door open, hearing two screams from inside. I stepped in, saying "How are you guys doing?" as I did.</p><p>"Harry what are you wearing?" Hermione said when she recovered.</p><p>"Uh, clothes?" I said in a 'duh' sort of tone.</p><p>"No, I mean why are you dressed like James Dean?"</p><p>"Oh! Well I thought it would go with my car." I said while pointing out the window.</p><p>Hermione sighed.</p><p>*Timeskip*</p><p>"Ah, at Hogwarts already. Good thing we skipped the last few weeks, they were really boring." I said and Hermione looked at me oddly.</p><p>"What are you talk-" Hermione started.</p><p>"Dear Azathoth it's awful, so much pink.." I retched. The horrid thing I was speaking of just had to be the new defence professor. A squat toad-like woman, who wore way too much pink.</p><p>'A deep one/human hybrid perhaps, it's quite possible' My musing was interrupted by Hermione jabbing me in the side.</p><p>"Harry, do you know what this means?! The Ministry is interfering at Hogwarts!" She said.</p><p>"W-what are you talking about, I wasn't listening."</p><p>Hermione sighed.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>The first DADA class was odd to say the least. Our Glorious Leade- I mean Professor seemed to be under the impression that I was a hothead. She grew increasingly frustrated and red-faced as every attempt to rile me up failed spectacularly.</p><p>But the worst part of this had to be these educational decrees. Oh the educational decrees, what kind of an idiot would give the deep one this kind of power? But then I remembered who the minister was. It seemed that it was high time for the Shadow to come out of retirement….</p><p>*Later That Night*</p><p>Deep in the night, The Shadow slipped out of Gryffindor Tower and darted down the hall.</p><p>The Shadow walked up to the wall of educational decrees and snapped his fingers, causing all of them to disappear. The Shadow then wrote his catchphrase where they once were.</p><p>It was by accident that The Shadow stumbled across Argus Filch. The man was frozen on the spot, staring at the black-clad person who obviously wasn't a student. The Shadow took out his dye-pistols and sprayed Filch with a rather ugly shade of yellow. He then turned a small bit of cloth into a portkey which was timed to bring Filch to the dining hall at breakfast time that morning. The Shadow also made sure that Filch wouldn't notice anything out of sorts, like him being yellow and all that.</p><p>By the time Filch recovered, The Shadow had already slipped back to Gryffindor Tower.</p><p>To Be Continued in the Next Action Chapter of Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter III</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything from Lovecraft's twisted mind.</p><p>Warning: Lots of naval lingo in this chapter.</p><p>The next morning was punctuated with Umbridge screaming about The Shadow's message and a bright yellow Filch materializing in the great hall.</p><p>"What an ugly color." I said</p><p>"That's what you get from this? Filch mysteriously appears in the great hall. And you only talk about the fact he's yellow?" Hermione questioned.</p><p>"Well it seemed prudent to voice my opinion."</p><p>Once more, Hermione sighed.</p><p>"What's with you Harry? You seem so different this year."</p><p>"Why my dear Hermione-"</p><p>"That, That! Last year you would have never called me My dear Hermione. So what's happened." She interrogated.</p><p>"Uh, um. Puberty?" I said and she looked at me strangely for some odd reason. "Oh well would you look at that! Time for potions already!" I stood up and rushed out of the great hall.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>I had my legs up on the desk and my eyes closed. I had purposefully done this to annoy the deep one.</p><p>"Hem, Hem." It said. I started snoring at a cartoonishly loud volume, making the other humans in the class snicker.</p><p>"Hem, Hem!"</p><p>"Yes professor?" I said, my eyes still closed.</p><p>"Why are you not reading the book, Mr Potter?" It said in a disgustingly saccharine tone.</p><p>"I am reading the book." I said flatly.</p><p>"No you are not Mr Potter."</p><p>"Yes I am professor."</p><p>"You aren't!"</p><p>"Yes I am."</p><p>"Detention!"</p><p>"I'll be there!" I said then immediately went back to faux snoring until class was over.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>"Aren't you going to detention Harry?" Hermione asked me later that evening.</p><p>"Nah, I don't know what'll happen when she tries to make me write with a blood quill, so I'm not going."</p><p>"But that's no reaso- What, a Blood Quill?!" She sputtered, her eyes wide and face pale.</p><p>"Yeah, well I'm off to bed." I stretched.</p><p>I closed the curtains around my bed, then summoned my souped up walkie talkie. "Commence Operation Sheil." I whispered.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>1-M knew from the beginning that he had a great job. Causing chaos on the high seas in a submarine! What could be better than that?</p><p>Usually they would go on patrol, aka looking for civilian ships and screwing with them. But today, they had a special mission from the Pharaoh himself! Operation Shiel it was called. They were traveling through an undersea cave system to reach a lake in Scotland. It was to commence tomorrow at 0300.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>September 5, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>2-M stood on the bridge, his cap had icicles hanging from it. He was looking over the sea. Slowly, he took his hand out of his pocket and grabbed the 1MC.</p><p>"Make all preparations for getting underway." he said. "Station the maneuvering watch."</p><p>"Aye." said Port.</p><p>"Aye." said Stern.</p><p>"Aye." said Starboard.</p><p>"All stations ready to get underway; maneuvering watch set." he said to 1-M, who was next to him.</p><p>Meanwhile, in the Conning Tower...</p><p>"Maneuvering, test your annunciators." 3-M said through the XJA. "Maneuvering, answer bells on the engines."</p><p>"Answering bells on one and two main engines." maneuvering answered.</p><p>Back on the bridge…</p><p>"Stand by the lines." 2-M said.</p><p>"Cast off number one." he ordered.</p><p>A crewmember android unhooked, and threw the number one line over to the dock. "Line clear!" he said.</p><p>"Cast off number two."</p><p>Another android threw the number two line over to the dock.</p><p>"All ahead standard." 1-M said into the XJA.</p><p>"All ahead standard, aye." maneuvering acknowledged.</p><p>A grizzled looking android down in maneuvering pulled a lever, and the large diesel engines came to life.</p><p>*One Hour Later*</p><p>"Rig for dive." 1-M said</p><p>Once all compartments reported. 1-M said "Clear the bridge."</p><p>1-M and 2-M climbed down the ladder and into the conning tower.</p><p>"Dive, Dive, Dive." 1-M ordered, the diving alarm sounded at the same time.</p><p>"Pressure in the boat, green board." 3-M said</p><p>"Six fo-wer feet." Was spoken into the 7MC.</p><p>3-M spoke into the XJA, "Open bulkhead flappers and start the ventilation."</p><p>The same grizzled looking android in maneuvering pulled a lever, switching from diesel to battery power. "Okay boys, down we go." He said, making all the others look between themselves nervously.</p><p>"Bulkhead flappers open sir." issued from the XJA "Ventilation started."</p><p>"Final trim six fo-wer feet." 3-M said. "Request speed?"</p><p>"Speed ze-ro six knots." 1-M spoke.</p><p>And thus Ghost Unit M was off on a grand adventure, in the same vein as the Iliad or the Odyssey…</p><p>*Cue Indiana Jones Style Map Scene*</p><p>September 12, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>"QB, contact, bearing ze-ro thuh-ree niner." 11-M said.</p><p>"Ze-ro thuh-ree ate."</p><p>"Ze-ro thuh-ree seven."</p><p>"Ze-ro thuh-ree six."</p><p>"Make all preparations for surfacing." 1-M ordered. "Maneuvering, on surfacing answer bells on thuh-ree main engines; put one main engine on charge."</p><p>"Secure the ventilation. Shut bulkhead flappers." 3-M spoke.</p><p>"All vents shut sir." and "All bulkhead flappers closed sir." came from the XJA.</p><p>"Ready to surface in all respects." 3-M said.</p><p>"Surface."</p><p>"Open the hatch. Open main induction." 1-M said as he climbed the ladder.</p><p>1-M stood up on the bridge, and looked at the oil tanker they'd surfaced near. "Lookouts to the bridge."</p><p>"2-M, set course for that tanker. I think we might need directions." he said.</p><p>"Aye, Aye." 2-M answered.</p><p>*Forty Five Minutes Later*</p><p>"Guten Morgen, fine Herren. It seems that we've gotten lost. Do you upstanding citizens know which way Great Britain is?" 1-M asked.</p><p>One man within the crowd of blubbering idiots yelled "North-East of here!"</p><p>"And where is here?"</p><p>"Few miles east of the Falklands!" the same man yelled.</p><p>"Danke!" 1-M responded.</p><p>"Rig for dive." 1-M ordered.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>September 18, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>"Periscope depth." 1-M ordered.</p><p>"Periscope depth!" 2-M repeated.</p><p>The periscope came down and 1-M put his eyes up to it.</p><p>"There are alot of naval ships up there." 1-M said. "Do you think it has anything to do with that tanker we asked for directions the other day?" he turned to 2-M.</p><p>"Probably." 2-M said.</p><p>"Fi-yiv ze-ro ze-ro feet. Seven degree, down bubble." 1-M sighed.</p><p>"Passing wun hundred feet." Said 3-M.</p><p>"Passing too hundred feet."</p><p>The boat started to creak at this depth.</p><p>"Passing thuh-ree hundred feet."</p><p>"Passing fo-wer hundred feet."</p><p>The boat gave a groan as they reached five hundred feet.</p><p>"Rig for silent running." 1-M spoke into the XJA which was followed by a chorus of 'Rigged for silent running.'</p><p>"QB, search thirty degrees on each side of the bow." 1-M ordered.</p><p>"QB, clear all around cap'n." The sonar android reported.</p><p>1-M sighed in relief, he really wasn't in the mood for a stereotypical cat and mouse submarine engagement.</p><p>"All ahead one-third." He said.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>September 23, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>*Bang*</p><p>The boat lurched violently to the side.</p><p>"What the hell was that!?" 1-M said.</p><p>"Did we hit an iceberg?" Random schnook No.1 asked.</p><p>"We're off the coast of Africa dumbass!"</p><p>1-M smacked the idiot around the head and sent him away.</p><p>"What an asshole. We should've used him for ballast." The sonar android commented.</p><p>1-M went to the 1MC. "Make all preparations for surfacing."</p><p>"Maneuvering, on surfacing answer bells on thuh-ree main engines; put one main engine on charge." 1-M said into the XJA.</p><p>3-M put his face up to the XJA "Secure the ventilation. Shut bulkhead flappers."</p><p>"Bulkhead flappers shut."</p><p>"Ventilation secured." Came through the XJA.</p><p>3-M turned to 1-M, "Ready to surface in all respects Cap'n."</p><p>"Alright, surface."</p><p>As the surfacing alarm sounded, 1-M climbed the ladder and opened the hatch. He stepped into the cool night air, a soft breeze fluttered against his facial sensors.</p><p>"Lookouts to the bridge."</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>September 24, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>"Ghost Unit sighted off the port bow cap'n!"</p><p>1-M's head snapped around and a grin spread across his face.</p><p>1-M picked up the XJA, "Radio Room, Send the Question."</p><p>Down in radio…</p><p>"How do you defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit?" 5-M, the radio operator, said.</p><p>An accented voice came over the radio, "With a pointed stick."</p><p>5-M smiled and picked up the XJA, "Unit Confirmed as I/Eurydice, captain."</p><p>Back on the Bridge…</p><p>"Set course for Ghost Unit I."</p><p>*One Hour Later*</p><p>1-M tilted his head up to meet 1-I's eyes."So, what the hell are you doing here? Shouldn't you guys be haunting the Isle of Wight by now?"</p><p>"We had to spend a few days avoiding what seemed like the entire Royal Navy. It seems that someone went and scared the crew of an oil tanker a week ago." 1-I looked at 1-M pointedly.</p><p>"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." 1-M sniffed haughtily.</p><p>"Of course you don't." 1-I chuckled. "Anyway, what are you doing so far away from your operating zone?"</p><p>"We're on a mission from the Pharaoh."</p><p>"Oh, may we come with?"</p><p>"Huh, eh, yeah." 1-M put his hand on his chin. "But only as far as England."</p><p>And thus Ghost Unit I joined Ghost Unit M on the epic journey I talked about a bit ago…</p><p>*Cue Another Indiana Jones Style Map Scene*</p><p>October 2, 1995</p><p>HMS Eurydice, Codename: Ghost Unit I</p><p>"Mr 2-I, report!"</p><p>"Can't see shit cap'n!"</p><p>"Mr 5-I, contact 1-M, ask if he has anything on Sonar."</p><p>"Aye, Aye!" 5-I said.</p><p>'This fog is thicker than mud.' 1-I mused.</p><p>"1-M reports nothing in our area sir!"</p><p>Suddenly the fog became even thicker, somehow.</p><p>'Well, this can't get any worse. Can it?' 1-I thought.</p><p>*Half an Hour Later*</p><p>1-I was completely drenched and the Eurydice was rocking violently in this freak storm.</p><p>"Mr 2-I, report!" 1-I yelled.</p><p>"Can't see shit cap'n!"</p><p>"Oh, shut up 2-I!"</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 9, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>"QB, searc-" *Splash!* A wave sprayed 1-M in the face.</p><p>"QB, search fourty-" *Kraka Thoom!* Thunder rumbled, drowning him out. 1-M sighed and climbed into the conning tower.</p><p>"QB, search forty degrees on each side of the bow!" He said, homing in on the sonar android.</p><p>"QB, clear all around."</p><p>"Radio," 1-M said into the XJA. "Ask Eurydice about where the hell they are."</p><p>1-M walked to his bunk and sat heavily in it, leaning back he closed his eyes, the rocking soothing his mind.</p><p>"We're getting a lot of interference from this storm sir." 5-M reported.</p><p>"Well then get through it!"</p><p>"Aye."</p><p>1-M moved into a reclining position and closed his eyes.</p><p>"Eurydice reports that they're about a mile away from our position."</p><p>1-M acknowledged with a muttered. "Good."</p><p>"QB, contact, bearing ze-ro too ate!"</p><p>1-M's eyes snapped open, "Periscope depth!"</p><p>"Periscope depth, aye, sir." 3-M said.</p><p>Surging to his feet, 1-M walked over to the periscope. "Looks like a cruise ship." He muttered. "All ahead, full."</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 16, 1995</p><p>HMS Eurydice, Codename: Ghost Unit I</p><p>"Well, this is where we part ways." 1-I said to 1-M.</p><p>"Yeah, well. Happy haunting!" 1-M said.</p><p>"All ahead full." 1-I heard 1-M say. The U-boat lurched forward as the propellers began spinning.</p><p>As the U-boat disappeared over the horizon, 1-I ordered the raising of the sails.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 22, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>"Uh, sir, the coast guard seems to be following us." A lookout said nervously.</p><p>"Meh, that's fine, it's not like the Royal Navy's following us."</p><p>*Two Hours Later*</p><p>"Uh, sir, the Royal Navy seems to be following us."</p><p>"Well, uh. Rig for Dive then." 1-M said.</p><p>"Rig for dive, aye"</p><p>1-M and the lookouts climbed down the ladder and into the Conning Tower.</p><p>"Dive, dive, dive."</p><p>"Pressure in the boat, green board." 3-M said.</p><p>"Seven ze-ro ze-ro feet. Seven degree, down bubble."</p><p>"Open bulkhead flappers, and start the ventilation." 3-M picked up the XJA. "Final trim, seven ze-ro ze-ro feet."</p><p>"Take her down." 1-M said over the 7MC.</p><p>The boat gave a mighty groan as it reached a depth only fifty feet above where it would be crushed.</p><p>"All ahead full."</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 29, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>Down in the control room, 1-M, 2-M, 3-M, and 4-M were surrounding the map table.</p><p>"This is where the entrance is supposed to be." 1-M said, pointing at a spot on the map with a pencil.</p><p>1-M pointed at another spot on the map."This is where we are."</p><p>"So we're right in front of it?" 2-M said.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"Then why aren't we going in?"</p><p>"I, don't, know."</p><p>A few minutes pass.</p><p>"All ahead one-third."</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 30, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>1-M was lying in his bunk, his eyes closed when. *BANG* The boat jerked and 1-M's metal skull banged off the wall.</p><p>"Be careful you cockroaches!" 1-M yelled. A chorus of 'sorry' rang through the corridor.</p><p>1-M got up and walked over to 4-M. "How long till we reach the lake?"</p><p>"We'll reach the lake in the late afternoon, and our objective by 0600." 4-M answered.</p><p>/ / / / / / / /</p><p>October 31, 1995</p><p>Type IXC U-boat, Codename: Ghost Unit M</p><p>As they reached their objective, 1-M picked up the 1MC. "Make all preparations for surfacing."</p><p>"Maneuvering, on surfacing answer bells on thuh-ree main engines; put one main engine on charge." 2-M said over the XJA.</p><p>3-M spoke into the XJA. "Secure the ventilation. Shut bulkhead flappers."</p><p>"Bulkhead flappers shut."</p><p>"Ventilation secured."</p><p>"Ready to surface in all respects cap'n." 3-M reported to 1-M.</p><p>"Alright boys, surface."</p><p>Once the boat was up out of the water, 1-M climbed up the ladder and stood up on the bridge. And it was beautiful, just like the Pharaoh told them it was. Hogwarts.</p><p>"So, what do we do now?" 2-M asked him.</p><p>"We wait."</p><p>To Be Continued in the Next Chapter of Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God!</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Thanksgiving Special!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't hurt me! To answer the question I received in the comments. I, uh, forgot to put in the dementor attack. But anyway, welcome everyone to the Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God Thanksgiving Special! Forgive me for the lateness, I hadn't decided to do a Thanksgiving Special until Thanksgiving day.</p><p>Year: 1621</p><p>Location: The Woods outside of Plymouth Plantation.</p><p>"Yes, yes! My plans are finally coming to fruition!" Nyarlathotep cackled. Surrounding him were thousands upon thousands of turkeys, all with vacant looks in their beady little eyes.</p><p>"But Nyarlie. Why attack these innocent people?"</p><p>*Smack!* "Shut up Robot Charlie Brown! And for the last time stop calling me Nyarlie!"</p><p>"But Nyar-"</p><p>"The box, Charlie!" He threatened.</p><p>"I'll be good." Charlie whimpered.</p><p>"Good, Ahem," The Cosmic Entity took out a megaphone. "Attention pilgrims, this is the Turkey King. You have slaughtered many of my subjects since your arrival, now you shall face the consequences."</p><p>"Fly, Fly my turkeys! Bring me their- uh what do we want again?"</p><p>"You never told me sir."</p><p>"Ah screw it, just go attack 'em."</p><p>*Pilgrim POV*</p><p>"Ah, tis a good day for thanks." William Bradford said.</p><p>"Attention pilgrims, this is the Turkey King. You have slaughtered many of my subjects since your arrival, now you shall face the consequences." A disembodied voice said.</p><p>Gobbling sounded from the forest and a swarm of turkeys rushed out of the woods.</p><p>"Ahhhhh!" The Pilgrims screamed.</p><p>Meanwhile, Outside Reality…</p><p>A mass of tentacles surrounding three large eyes, a vaguely bipedal cloud of dark mist, a lizard-like...thing, a mass of glowing spheres, and a tentacled three-eyed goat sat around a colossal table.</p><p>"Thank you all for being here, my children and grandchildren. It's too bad Nyarlathotep couldn't be here, but we can have a good feast day without him!" Azathoth said.</p><p>"Here, here!" The other Outer Gods agreed.</p><p>"Misty, pass me the roast Elder Thing please."</p><p>"Here it is, father." The Nameless Mist said.</p><p>"Heh heh, give it to me next." The Darkness snickered in a very Beavis-like fashion.</p><p>Azathoth rolled his eyes. "No Darkness, Yog is first."</p><p>"Then, heh, pass me the mashed Yith."</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Can you at least give me the Mi-go blood wine?"</p><p>"Shub get your father a glass of wine."</p><p>"Why me? Can't you get a Shan to do it?" Shub-Niggurath whined.</p><p>"No, it's right next to you."</p><p>Shub sighed petulantly.</p><p>And so we've come to the end, mostly because I've run out of ideas.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Disclaimer: The defendant would like to state that they do not own Harry Potter or the Cthulhu Mythos.<br/>Warning: This chapter gets a teensy bit dark later on.<br/>November 1, 1995<br/>7:00 AM GMT<br/>I opened my trunk, and there it was my over-frock coat. I bought it back in 1899 to celebrate my successful lunar expedition; I had such a great time committing genocide there. So many deeds done while wearing this jacket, doing in those Russian hikers, stealing the Irish crown jewels, the WOW signal.</p>
<p>That reminds me, I've been idle far too long; the propaganda department is probably still making pro-American posters to send to Russia and pro-soviet ones to send to the United States. And faulty weapons manufacturing is going to have a vast stock based on outdated designs!</p>
<p>"Meh, I'll just sell 'em to a warlord, maybe a dictator or two. Oh! Would you look at that!" A picture of Princess Mary, ah yes, that little fling she and I had back in 1921.</p>
<p>"Harry, it's almost breakfast!" Hermione called from the common room.</p>
<p>"Coming!" I slid my arms into the coat.</p>
<p>As we walked down through the corridor, I began to notice that the other students seemed to be talking about something.</p>
<p>"I don't care what it is! Just get rid of it!" The deep one screamed.</p>
<p>"Madame Undersecretary, you don't understand; it's not an animal! It's a craft of some sort!"</p>
<p>"Then go, board, it!"</p>
<p>"But some of my men thought they saw Inferi on it; you don't pay them enough for that shit!"</p>
<p>Hermione took one look out the window and turned to me, pale as a ghost. </p>
<p>"Harry, look out the window!"</p>
<p>Ghost Unit M was sitting innocently on the lake, with who had to be 1-M on the bridge. "Huh, that's interesting," I said.</p>
<p>"Harry! That's a U-boat!"</p>
<p>"A what boat?" Ron asked stupidly.</p>
<p>"A submarine," Hermione said; Ron stared blankly. "A muggle ship that can go underwater."</p>
<p>"Oh, like the Durmstrang ship!"</p>
<p>"I'm not surprised," I shrugged. "Weird crap seems to be attracted to this place."</p>
<p>"I'm not sure things can get weirder than this," Hermione said famous last words.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Three pro-wrestler-sized men in five-piece suits and fedoras stood in Dumbledore's office, one smoking a cigar, another holding an old Thompson submachine gun.</p>
<p>"So Mr. Doubledore-" The one in front said.</p>
<p>"Dumbledore." The wizened Headmaster corrected.</p>
<p>"Yeah, so, Mr. Dumbledore. You have a nice school here, big. With a property this large," The one in front adjusted his toothpick. "It might be a good idea to have some extra security."</p>
<p>"What are you implying?" Dumbledore asked, his brow furrowed.</p>
<p>"You have some nice students here, Dumbles; it would be a shame if someone were to set fire to 'em."</p>
<p>Before Dumbledore could react to that, Umbridge stormed in. "Headmaster! Potter hasn't gone- Who are these men?"</p>
<p>"Oh, Madam Undersecretary, what a surprise! I'm Four Fingers; they're Goliath and Muscles."</p>
<p>"Say uh Miss Umbridge, you work at the ministry, right?" Four Fingers asked.</p>
<p>"Well, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything."</p>
<p>"It's a nice ministry; we wouldn't want anything to happen to it. How many Aurors you got, Madame?"</p>
<p>"About fifty-thousand. Why?"</p>
<p>"I just thought you'd like some extra security Madame. Things could start happening; fights could start breaking out, wands could start being snapped, fires could start."</p>
<p>"Alright, out. Out of my office!" Dumbledore said as he pointed at the door.</p>
<p>"Sure you want to do that, Dumbles?"</p>
<p>"Yes!"</p>
<p>"If that's what you want, Goliath, Muscles, come on! It looks like we aren't wanted here." Four Fingers snapped his four fingers, signaling the others to follow.<br/>/ / / / / / / /</p>
<p>"Disgusting." I spat, slamming the paper down. How dare these insignificant apes print such slanderous filth about me! I had half a mind to send a few Mi-go 'round their headquarters to burn it down.</p>
<p>"I think I will."</p>
<p>"What?" Hermione asked; crap, I must've spoken out loud.</p>
<p>"Nothing, my dear," I said, mentally giving the order. Hermione stared suspiciously at me; there was a slight pink tinge to her cheeks. Poor girl must be dehydrated; I'd have to remedy that.</p>
<p>Clearing a part of the table, I took out my grimoire; it was a gigantic thing cobbled together throughout the ages. Most of every branch of magic was recorded in this, even ones that have been lost to time; I wrote the book in Azaekkesh, a language I made up just so no one could read it. Runes were also inscribed on the binding to make the writing appear increasingly more complex to anyone attempting to translate it.</p>
<p>"What is that?" Hermione asked with amazement, usually reserved things that weren't a dusty old book.</p>
<p>"A grimoire." I practically buried my nose in it; I wanted to find an excellent curse to put on the deep one.</p>
<p>"A grimoire? How'd you get one of those? Usually, only ancient families have one." Ron asked.</p>
<p>"I've had it a while."</p>
<p>Curse of Song causes a song of the caster's choice to play repeatedly while the target is in the vicinity of others. This curse requires bunyip husk, yeti extract, giant oil, and a picture of the victim.</p>
<p>Interesting, the deep one might have some theme music sometime in the future. Now I need to get to my cauldron, in my castle, in Antarctica, outside of school; this will be a hassle.</p>
<p>"-rry! Harry!"</p>
<p>"What?"</p>
<p>"It's time for class," Hermione said.</p>
<p>"Oh, it seems I lost track of time." The grimoire went back in my bookbag.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>November 1, 1995<br/>9:20 AM GMT<br/>The walk to History of Magic was long, so very long; the payoff wasn't great either. Binns was even more boring than usual, somehow.</p>
<p>"Okay, screw this. I'm leaving." I said, getting up and leaving the room. A shocked silence grew in the wake of that statement, had no one ever left before? Are you serious?</p>
<p>I faded away immediately after the door closed and reappeared in the Castle East. It seemed colder than usual, and the great wooden doors were open, and voices were coming from my throne room.</p>
<p>"For fucks sake, not again." Shifting into my Dark Pharaoh avatar, I trudged towards my throne room; yep, scientists.</p>
<p>"What are you idiots doing on my property?"</p>
<p>They whirled around, 'what the fuck' was whispered by many of them upon seeing me.</p>
<p>"Listen, I told Robert Scott to warn other explorers not to go near my castle," I said. One opened their mouth to reply and were cut off. "You know what? I don't even want to hear your excuse, guards!"</p>
<p>Around two thousand black-uniformed guards emerged from a solid wall, their bayonets fixed and shining, the horsehair plumes upon their shakos fluttering in the draft.</p>
<p>"Escort them off my continent; you know what, escort all foreigners off my continent," I ordered. My train of thought screeched to a grinding halt immediately afterward, Fuck! I said my continent, my continent; I'd have to produce a government out of absolutely nothing now; I didn't want to be a ruler! And they probably broke part of my forcefield, too, fuck!<br/>/ / / / / / / /</p>
<p>"God-King, Nyarlathotep, no."</p>
<p>"Khagan, Nyarlathotep, nuh uh." I sighed and tossed another crumpled piece of paper into a pile of others; it was maddening!</p>
<p>"Shahanshah, Nyarlathotep!" I sighed in relief, and now for the flag.<br/>Meanwhile, on the castle's tallest tower...</p>
<p>A flag pole faded into existence, a white flag with black embroidery around the edges and an upside-down black ankh surrounded by a silver laurel wreath in the center hung from it.</p>
<p>Back with the Shahanshah…</p>
<p>"Nyarlathotep, by the grace of Azathoth Shahanshah of Antarctica, to the United Nations: greetings and best wishes. I wish to address a most important matter, the Antarctic Principality, a superpower in its own right, is not a permanent member of your Security Council. If Antarctica is not made one by the time this letter has been read, I shall destroy ten cities. Love, Shahanshah Nyarlathotep, November 1, year of the Sultan, nineteen ninety-five." Stamping the hot wax of the seal with my upside-down ankh. I sent off my threat- er request.</p>
<p>I picked up my desk phone. "Rogran, I have a little job for you."<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Three, two, one, and it's lunch. I closed my watch and shoved it back into my pocket. My eyes scanned the Great Hall; no one was here yet; good, I summoned a glass of Shedeh. It had been too long since I tasted this wine; it was my favorite beverage back when I was Pharaoh. I hadn't even taken a sip when.</p>
<p>"Harry!" I heard Hermione yell from across the hall. Quickly draining the glass, I threw it over to the Slytherin table, where it laid smashed and ready to inconvenience any students who took off their shoes.</p>
<p>"Yes, my dear?"</p>
<p>"Harry! Where have you been?" She demanded. Her hair seemed frizzier than usual, quite interesting.</p>
<p>"I've been places and done things, Hermione."</p>
<p>"That doesn't answer my question!" She stamped her foot in frustration.</p>
<p>"It's also the only answer I'm going to give you." Hermione made a sort of screech and stormed off.</p>
<p>"Mr. Potter, the Headmaster would like to see you in his office." McGonagall had snuck up on me.</p>
<p>"The Dean wants to see me, eh? Best be going then." I stood up and walked from the hall.</p>
<p>Five minutes later, I was in Dumbledore's office; he stared at me with his brow furrowed. Mainly because as soon as I stepped through the door, the phoenix put as much distance between itself and me and now made hissing sounds from Dumbledore's quarters.</p>
<p>"You wanted to see me?" I decided to break the silence since it appeared he wasn't going to.</p>
<p>"Yes, where did you go today, Harry? Madame Umbridge was very upset that you weren't in class; I believe I've gone deaf in one ear."</p>
<p>"Whatever do you mean, professor?" I stared right into the old man's eyes and applied just a touch of sorcery. "I never left History of Magic, and I did go to Defence Against the Dark Arts."</p>
<p>"Why yes, of course, you didn't disappear for three hours, come to think of it, I can't fathom why I even called you in here, off you go."</p>
<p>"Good day to you, Headmaster, bye Fawkes!" I received another hiss in response.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>"Mr. Ollivander Padlock Security can protect you and your business from arson, terrorism, robbery, looting, raiding, and kidnapping. For only a small fee of one-hundred galleons to be paid every month." Lautone 'The Duck' Di Vincenzo said, taking a puff of his cigar.</p>
<p>"I don't know about this," Ollivander said.</p>
<p>"Mr. Ollivander, I don't want to alarm you, but I've gotten reports that the Pharaoh Outfit is operating in this area," Lautone said gravely.</p>
<p>"The Pharaoh Outfit?"</p>
<p>"Don't you know Mr. Ollivander? It's a criminal organization that can and will harm you or your business. They could start fires, rob you, kidnap you, even kill you."</p>
<p>"Well, I guess I accept then."</p>
<p>"Good, good, now four men by the names of Deon, Nico, Amaranto, and Gerardo will be around tomorrow; think of them as security guards. That'll be two hundred galleons." The legitimate businessman smiled, showing three gold teeth.</p>
<p>"But you said it was a hundred galleons!"</p>
<p>"No, no, the initial payment is two hundred galleons, then each subsequent payment is a hundred." Ollivander reluctantly pulled out two hundred galleons and put them in Lautone's hand with a highly pained look on his face.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>November 1, 1995<br/>1:30 PM GMT<br/>Potions, my favorite class, mainly because it was never a challenge; I was a potions master back when Australopithecus Afarensis roamed the earth. I swiped a finger horizontally through the air, and the leg of a cauldron was severed, sending unfinished Doxycide into Malfoy's lap. Another motion made Crabbe stumble into the desk, knocking it over in the process.</p>
<p>"Tis a good day," I said; in the background, Crabbe stumbled once again, this time into Pansy Parkinson and Goyle's desk while Malfoy ran around like a headless chicken. I still had to cover my tracks, though; a fourth motion severed the leg of a ducking Seamus Finnegan's cauldron which then fell on his head; that's for calling me crazy. It's always a good idea to cause some chaos, especially when no one can tie it back to you.</p>
<p>"What is going on here?" The spawn of Tsathoggua asked.</p>
<p>"Professor, it seems we've been using faulty equipment!" Most of the Gryffindors and some Slytherins laughed at this.</p>
<p>The spilled Doxycide promptly burst into flames, creating acrid black smoke, which quickly filled the classroom. Snape dismissed the class in short order, well after he looked as if he'd taken a shot of citric acid when he saw my perfectly brewed potion; legends say that you can still hear Malfoy's screams on a cold winter's night.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>November 2, 1995<br/>The Castle East, 12:10 AM GMT<br/>I sat behind my ornate desk, a camera operated by a Lengian pointed at me. Nodding at the Lengian, it flipped a switch, and a green light on the camera's side lit up.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>November 1, 1995<br/>7:05 AM EST<br/>"This Emergency session of the United Nations General Security Council is <br/>hereby called to order."</p>
<p>"Why are we eh, here?" The Chinese representative asked.</p>
<p>"This morning, a terrorist going by the name Nyarlathotep forced all our personnel off the Antarctic continent. He has also threatened to destroy ten cities if the 'Antarctic Principality' is not made a permanent member of the council. This is likely a bluff."</p>
<p>"Wrong." A booming voice rang out. A TV that had definitely not been there a minute ago sat on the far side of the room; it showed a dark-robed figure wearing a golden pschent combined with black striped tappets and a gaunt mask with a golden osrid upon its chin.</p>
<p>"Even now, the LRSL is standing by for my order. All you have to do is make the Antarctic Principality a permanent member, and you'll have saved sixteen million souls."</p>
<p>"We do not negotiate with terrorists." The Russian representative stated.</p>
<p>"Then I formally declare war on all permanent members of the UN Security Council. I hope you're ready for war on a scale you never could've imagined."</p>
<p>Meanwhile, in Moonbase Gamma-3…</p>
<p>Commander Amset took a sip of his coffee, the caffeine doing little to calm his nerves. They'd been moved to high alert for the first time since they tested the LRSL sixty-six million years ago.</p>
<p>A warning bell sounded, and the Pharaoh's voice came through the speaker. "Fire the LRSL, Authorization Code, Gamma, Three, Omega, Eight, Zeta, Two, Delta, Nine, Sigma, Six."</p>
<p>Deputy Gyasi checked the code binder to see if it was correct; he nodded at Amset. It was correct. They both unlocked the safes, which were under their respective consoles, and took out their keys. Amset and Gyasi turned their keys at precisely the same time, and the same warning bell sounded, <br/>signaling the countdown.</p>
<p>"Tíu." A robotic voice started counting down from ten in Old Norse.</p>
<p>"Níu."</p>
<p>"Átta."</p>
<p>"Sjau."</p>
<p>"Sex."</p>
<p>"Fimm."</p>
<p>"Fjǫgur."</p>
<p>"Þrjú."</p>
<p>"Tvau."</p>
<p>"Eitt."</p>
<p>Hours later, gray canisters, each the size of an oil drum, landed near power plants in Brighton, Colchester, Point Pleasant Beach, Oakland, Lyon, Limoges, Saratov, Kazan, Shenyang, and Taiyuan. All started leaking a pulsating green slime through small holes which had opened immediately after touchdown.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>November 2, 1995<br/>2:00 AM GMT<br/>A brass band playing the War Tune of the Principality saw off an endless stream of guards and military equipment parading through the Castle East. The great coated guards, tornisters packed, gauss rifles shouldered, skull-like gas masks, and shakos on. Four mobile ballistic missile launchers fully loaded with two silver Z-Y4 Trionium missiles rolled by. Following these, a tank regiment made up entirely of seventy-foot-long Shoggoth MBTs, affixed to which were one 160mm railgun and four 10mm gauss machine guns. Two one-hundred twenty-five foot long Alskali Heavy Assault Tanks, which had two 200mm railguns and eight 20mm gauss machine guns, passed by. Hussars, soldiers, specially trained to fight on the ZO-III hoverbike like the mounted cavalry of old sped through in a triangular formation. The ZO-III hoverbike could be controlled by the feet to allow for the use of the RS11 Cavalry Carbine, which along with a sabre, was standard armament for the Hussars. And Sentinels, super-soldiers sealed inside suits of advanced metal armor, which constantly pumped a cocktail of strength and speed enhancing drugs into them. They were the best of the best with a 40mm gauss Gatling style gun as a left arm and a clawed gauntlet on their right.</p>
<p>In the skies overhead hundreds of VK-1 Aerial Fortresses, spaceplanes one-thousand feet long and one-thousand eight-hundred forty-five feet wide from wingtip to wingtip, protected by an AX-class void shield and armed with thousands of defensive 50mm gauss machine guns, bomb-bays filled, a 160mm Railgun AA turret on top, a hangar packed with streamlined AAK-2 interceptors armed with 50mm gauss machine guns and Z-X3 Trionium air to air missiles, and two regular 400mm railgun turrets on the wings for space combat. VK-1s were propelled by the Nephren drive, which made use of Nether Energy, allowing the spaceplane to fly anywhere from transonic to far beyond the speed of light. Thousands of two-hundred and fifty-foot long Mi-go VTOL transports, carrying troops, munitions, and equipment for the many invasions that were to be conducted. Hundreds of thousands of one-hundred and twenty-five foot long Shan Assault VTOLs affixed with 50mm gauss machine guns and a 160mm railgun. And what had to be millions of Flying Polyp VTOL gunships that were armed with three 80mm railguns, 50mm gauss machine guns, and Trionium missiles.</p>
<p>And at the nearby Kharis Naval Base, a brass band playing Rule Antarctica and a group of 'people' who sported visible autopsy scars stood on one of the docks watching the many various naval ships leaving the base. The JO-3L-class Missile Attack submarine, a two-hundred-foot-long leviathan able to stay submerged for close to eight months and dive to a depth of thirteen hundred meters. The M1-K3-class ekranoplan carried defensive 50mm gauss machine guns and RJ-2 magnetic mines that produced an explosion equivalent to fifty tons of TNT. The CR-0W-class battleship, an eighty-thousand-ton one-thousand-foot long behemoth, armed with four 55 cm railgun turrets and over two-hundred 60mm gauss AA machine guns. And the T0-M-class battlecruiser a five-hundred-foot long beast, affixed with three 37 cm railgun turrets and bristling with Trionium surface to air missiles, gauss AA machine guns, and minelaying equipment.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>"Hastur! How are you doing, old buddy!" Carcosa, it was still just as beautiful as I remembered.</p>
<p>"What do you want, great-granduncle?" The King in Yellow said wearily.</p>
<p>"What, can't I visit my old friend without wanting something?"</p>
<p>"Well, let me see, last time you visited, you wanted me to join your criminal organization!"</p>
<p>"The Pharaoh Syndicate." I corrected.</p>
<p>"Your Pharaoh Syndicate! And the time before that, you dragged me to that stupid human ship, which you sunk!" The Unspeakable One stood up to his towering seven-foot height, his yellow robes billowing around in an unseen wind.</p>
<p>"How could I forget our time on the Titanic, wasn't that fun?"</p>
<p>"No! It was not fun! And I have a feeling this won't be fun either, so I'm not going."</p>
<p>"Oh well, I guess I'll go to school alone. A school so full of teenagers who are oh so easy to spiritually corrupt." I said.</p>
<p>The Great Old One heaved a great old sigh. "Fine." He said.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Hastur and I walked, or in my case hovered through Diagon Alley, drawing stares as we did probably because I looked about eight-hundred and ninety-six years old and sat in a steampunk-esque hoverchair while Hastur wore a yellow hoodie with its hood up, obscuring his face in shadow.</p>
<p>"Remember Hastur; you'll have to translate for me," I said, the movement of my gigantic Hungarian style mustache being the only indicator that my mouth was moving.</p>
<p>"Why?" Hastur asked.</p>
<p>"This avatar was 'born' in ten ninety-nine, so I'll be speaking in Middle English."</p>
<p>"Okay, Grandfather," Hastur said sarcastically.</p>
<p>"That's another thing! You are supposed to be my great-grandson many times over." I said as Hastur, and I passed through the doors of Gringotts.</p>
<p>"Great, I'll be even more closely related to you than I am now."</p>
<p>"Stoppen makiinge that sŏunen sō badde Fenric," I smirked.</p>
<p>"Dear Azathoth," Hastur muttered.</p>
<p>I hovered up to the nearest goblin teller and put my vault key on his desk with a gnarled shaking hand. The goblin peered down at the key before his head snapped up to look at me, beady eyes wide.</p>
<p>"Vaut thritten, please."</p>
<p>"Vault thirteen," Hastur said.</p>
<p>"The Auxientus vault?" The goblin rasped. A nearby witch gasped; it was understandable; the Noble and Most Ancient House of Auxientus was the oldest and the wealthiest pure-blood house in the Wizarding World, plus it was my second attempt at screwing with wizarding society. Hence, it held a special place in my nonexistent heart.</p>
<p>"Yis," I answered.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Purposefully stumbling into a tall, gray-haired man, Rogran pulled a trigger, and a small pellet which had been dipped in Dhoxide shot from the tip of his cane and into the man's leg.</p>
<p>"Forgive me, Lord Yaxley, good day."</p>
<p>"No harm done." The man said with a barely hidden sneer.</p>
<p>Rogran walked away smirking; the pure-blood arse would be dead within eight minutes. Dhoxide was one scary poison, invented by the Pharaoh himself specifically for assassinations; it was highly proficient at killing brain cells, as little as one picogram could kill someone. Such is the fate for enemies of the Principality.</p>
<p>"Inn Gramr af Gramra Munu Vinna." Rogran whispered.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Hastur, a goblin named Lagnok, and I strolled through a cavernous hallway deep below the earth. Past the village of Cyclopes, past the gigantic house belonging to a Hecatoncheires going by the name of Tydeides, past Otaollul the Hydra, past the Girtablilu, and past the Draugr mound. Lagnok sure looked nervous when I petted Otaollul's middle head and jumped when he hissed in contentment.</p>
<p>"Doþ nat bēn nervŏus, he wil nat bīten."</p>
<p>"Don't be nervous; he won't bite." Funnily enough, Lagnok did not look any more serene.</p>
<p>Finally, we reached the gigantic vault door; above it was the Auxientus motto of Insipiens Tu Quod Seminas Colligesque Fructus Eius, meaning Reap What You Sow. I slid the tarnished dark key into the lock, the sound of gigantic bolts unlocking rang true, and the metal door creaked open. Inside was a literal mountain of galleons, rubies, diamonds, emeralds, and other precious gems, along with books thousands upon thousands of magick tomes. I led Hastur over to a small jewelry box in a corner, pulling out a signet ring. I grabbed Hastur's hand and slid it onto his middle finger. It was imprinted with the Auxientus coat of arms, two crossed spears, and a crimson bull's head with an upside-down ankh on its forehead.</p>
<p>"This is the heir ring; it does absolutely nothing except mark you as my heir."</p>
<p>"Really? Absolutely nothing?"</p>
<p>"Yep."<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Hastur and I sat side by side in the Great Hall; he wore his yellow hoodie under the school uniform.</p>
<p>"Alright, who are you?" I asked Hastur.</p>
<p>"I am Fenric, fifth-year Gryffindor; you and I met yesterday and became quick friends." His hood turned a minuscule amount towards me.</p>
<p>"Good. Now, remember that I spent too much time implanting your memory in Dumbledore and the teacher's mind's for it all to go to waste." I gave him copies of my school books and a faux wand. Basically just a smoothed branch I conjured.</p>
<p>"Harry?"</p>
<p>"Hello Hermione, you know Fenric, right? He's joining our little group; we'll be the Golden Quartet from now on, isn't that great?"</p>
<p>"Real slick," Hastur muttered. I elbowed him where ribs would normally be on a human.</p>
<p>"Harry, I've never seen him before, ever." She said, looking distressed. It was at this moment that Professor McGonagall walked past.</p>
<p>"Mr. Potter, Mr. Auxientus." She nodded at both Hastur and me.</p>
<p>"See, Hermione, McGonagall knows him. You were probably too busy reading or something and forgot." I waved my hand dismissively.</p>
<p>Hermione slumped heavily on the bench, obviously depressed that she would never reach my level of brilliance in the art of deduction.</p>
<p>"Fenric, come with me; I must talk with you," I said, standing up.<br/>Hastur looked up from poking at a piece of black pudding. We walked out the great doors and to an alcove, one of many that dotted the corridor.</p>
<p>"I'm starting a chivalric order," I said.</p>
<p>"Why?" He asked in confusion.</p>
<p>"The deep one-"</p>
<p>"Who?"</p>
<p>"The pink one, she's basically a dictator, right?"</p>
<p>"From what you've told me, yes. But what does this have to do with anything?"</p>
<p>"Most dictators start a secret police, so I want a chivalric order around as some extra security."</p>
<p>"So you're starting a protection racket," Hastur stated dryly.</p>
<p>"No, no, no- well yeah."</p>
<p>"Uh, huh. How exactly are you going to get knights for this order? Do you even have a name for it?"</p>
<p>"We're going to kidnap and brainwash some particularly burly students. But anyway, I want you to be the Grand Master of the Knights of the Crawling Chaos! You're the only Great Old One for the job, Hastur; I have full confidence that you'll uphold my tenets." I declared, putting my arm around his shoulder.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Cyrus and Elige Conebush, two fourth-year Hufflepuffs, are knocked out by a truncheon, then dragged down an old disused corridor.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Stanley Cameron, a sixth-year Gryffindor, is rolled up in his own blankets and carried away by two figures shrouded in shadow.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>A pungent yellow gas filled a hallway, knocking out Isabella Serpen, a fourth-year Ravenclaw. Who is then carried away by two gas-masked figures?<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Officer Henry Clarke and his partner Officer Scott Francis pulled into the spacious parking lot belonging to the Oakland Power Plant. They'd gotten a call from the night watchman's wife; apparently, he hadn't come home that night.</p>
<p>"All the lights are on," Clarke noted.</p>
<p>"What the hell is up with this place?" Francis asked, primarily to himself.</p>
<p>"Gives me the creeps is what's up with it," Clarke muttered.</p>
<p>Clarke pushed open the door, "Seems they have a little infestation." he said dryly. Green slime, pulsating green slime, glowing pulsating green slime, it was everywhere on the floor on the ceiling; it seemed to be oozing from the very walls.</p>
<p>"No shit," Francis said. The slime made squelching sounds as they trod on it, and the smell of ozone was heavy in the air.</p>
<p>"Scott! You better take a look at this!" Clarke shouted from the next room. </p>
<p>Francis squelched through the doorway, a body it was the night watchman, no doubt about that, but pitch black burns marred his skin.</p>
<p>"These are electrical burns. High voltage too, how the hell did this happen?"</p>
<p>The sound of footsteps was his answer; Francis pulled his gun and yelled, "Oakland PD! Come out with your hands up!" Silence, then a cacophony of hellish squealing, a group of stumpy green monsters with two arms ending with clawed paws, two long tentacles that ended with a red pincer each, and one giant red glowing eye rounded the corner.</p>
<p>A bang rang out as Francis fired at the closest one; the monster stumbled back, green blood splattering the walls. A second later, one green tentacle was put over the wound, sending sparks and flashes of electricity, the blood stopped flowing.</p>
<p>"I-it's healing itself," Clarke said, his gun now out. The squealing somehow doubled in volume as a veritable wall of creatures rushed at the two Officers. </p>
<p>They learned something in those next few minutes; the monsters were abnormally fast. Another thing was also grasped then; trying to run on a floor covered in slippery green slime was hard, as Francis found out when he slipped, fell, and was swarmed by the creatures.</p>
<p>"Scott!" Clarke yelled.</p>
<p>"No run save you-" Francis was cut off as he screamed in pain; seconds later, Officer Scott Francis' limp body slumped to the floor covered in the same high voltage electrical burns as the nightwatchman's.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Captain M-1, or as he liked to be called Artair, lazily spun his captain's chair on the bridge of the APSP Lilith, his VK-1, which was currently over Algeria. His furred leather jacket had been draped over his chair, exposing the beige uniform of the Antarctic Flying Corps. "Our ETA and speed, Mr. <br/>M-5." He asked.</p>
<p>"Mach two, Captain, we'll reach the target in two hours." Lt. M-5 said.</p>
<p>"Mr. M-2, how's the VTOL doing?"</p>
<p>"She's keeping up with us." Lt Commander M-2 replied.</p>
<p>"Anything on sensors?"</p>
<p>"Nuthin, oh wait, it appears the AAF is back."</p>
<p>M-1 groaned, pressing a button on the arm of his chair. "Battle stations. Mr. </p>
<p>M-3 reduce our speed to mach one; I don't want them chasing us all the way to our target."</p>
<p>A few minutes later, fifteen MiG-29s bearing the green and white Algerian flag arrived and immediately opened fire with air to air missiles, which impacted the void shield to little effect. Rapid odd-sounding bangs signaled the gauss gunners opening up on the Algerian jets. One by one, they burst into flames or disintegrated around their pilots; six were shredded by an explosive shell from the 160mm AA turret.</p>
<p>"Any left, Zadock?" M-1 asked.</p>
<p>"Negative," M-2 replied.</p>
<p>"Good, bring us back to mach two M-5."</p>
<p>An hour later, they passed over Portsmouth; the French had given them a bit of trouble, seven Mirage 2000s were now smoking heaps in some field somewhere.</p>
<p>"Unknown aircraft, you are in British airspace; identify yourself." Came over the speakers on the bridge.</p>
<p>"Should we respond, Captain?" M-2 asked, swiveling his chair to face M-1.</p>
<p>"Nah." M-1 waved him off.</p>
<p>Six minutes later, two SEPECAT Jaguars exploded in the skies over Liverpool.</p>
<p>"Take us down to transonic, Mr. M-5." The Lieutenant pulled a lever slowly back; the VK-1 decelerated to its transonic cruising speed of six-hundred and fifty miles an hour.</p>
<p>"Anything on sensors?"</p>
<p>"Looks like a couple of missiles are tracking us."</p>
<p>"Mr. M-6, are you picking up any communications?" M-1 spun his chair to look at his communications officer.</p>
<p>"Aye, Captain, I'm picking something up on frequency A4." M-6 looked up from writing something down on the many notepads cluttering up his station.</p>
<p>"Well, put it on," M-1 said; the communications officer nodded and adjusted a set of dials.</p>
<p>"-Shahanshah met with the President of Iraq today to discuss a possible allian-"</p>
<p>"Turn it off," M-1 ordered.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>A SEPECAT Jaguar burst into flames, joining its fellows in oblivion as two missiles impacted the void shield dispersing harmlessly.<br/>"Mr. M-7, how does that target look?"</p>
<p>"We're almost there," M-7 said, his eye looking as if it had been glued to the bombsight.</p>
<p>"Open bomb-bay doors, Mr. M-7." The button made a small beep as the weapons officer pressed it.</p>
<p>Seconds later, "We're there."</p>
<p>"Bombs away. Bye-bye, remote radar head." The two Lockjaw-type bombs, each equal to eight tons of TNT, fell from the Lilith's bomb-bay soon to destroy a significant roadblock in the invasion of Britain.</p>
<p>The Mi-go VTOL broke from the Lilith and swooped down, keeping just out of the explosion's range. It carried the 17th Cohort of the Antarctian Royal Army, the vanguard of Operation Open Invite.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>1-G1, Prime-Commander of the 45th Legion, checked his gauss rifle for the third time since getting on the landing craft. He had absolutely no idea why he was nervous; the beach at Inverguseran wasn't even fortified, the tommys weren't even there.</p>
<p>"Twelve seconds!" The pilot yelled. The sound of eight thousand gauss rifles being adjusted was almost deafening.</p>
<p>With a great lurch, the landing craft rode up on the beach, and the ramp dropped with a thump. Shoggoth MBTs, Alskali Heavy Assault Tanks, and APCs were off-loaded from some of the bigger landing craft while Legions of guards rushed from the normal-sized ones.</p>
<p>"45th Legion, with me!" 1-G1 yelled, four Shoggoth MBTs, two Alskali Heavy Assault Tanks, and the eight-thousand guards that were with him on the landing craft fell in line behind him, southwards to Inverie.<br/>An hour later, the village was in sight; many of the residents had come out of their homes due to the sound the six tanks were making. 1-G1 forced his way through the crowd Antarctian flag in hand; he tossed the union jack to the side and raised the white, black, and silver on the village's flag pole.<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>A month later, twenty knights stood, fully prepared, wearing their chainmail and ankh marked surcoats, their freshly sharpened swords sheathed at their sides, in the headquarters of the Knights of the Crawling Chaos. Which was basically the old dueling arena which had gone disused since the powers that be decided bloodsport was barbaric.</p>
<p>"This is a great day, my Knights! Earlier today, we secured contracts with the prefects of Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw! Today we begin the Crusade against injustice!"</p>
<p>"Chaosque vult!" The twenty Knights shouted, drawing their swords.</p>
<p>"Remember the ten tenets Crusaders! Thou shall defend the students of houses under our protection! Thou shall NOT defend the students of houses not under our protection! Thou shall not recoil before the enemy! Thou shall make war against any oppressors without cessation and without mercy! Thou shall perform thy duties scrupulously! </p>
<p>"Thou shall remain faithful to paying clients! Respect the Grand Master! Respect the Crawling Chaos! Respect the mighty Galleon! And Thou shall be everywhere and always the champion of the Crawling Chaos and the paying Student Body against Injustice and Evil!"<br/>/ / / / / / / /<br/>Second, Corporal Sergio took a bite of his ration, his face as grim as his mood. The war had not been going well, Argentina fell the week before, and rumor had it that Australia was almost overrun. He'd seen things in the weeks of fighting, fellow soldiers trampled by those horrid mobile fortresses the Antarctians tried to pass off as tanks, men poisoned by those mechanical spiders the Antarctians employed, the enemy's habit of impaling Chilean dead on great pikes and leaving them to the various carrion-eaters instead of burying them. There was also that time the enemy captured a TV station and made a spectacle of roasting a spy within a brazen bull.</p>
<p>"Sergio!"</p>
<p>He looked up, "Yeah?"</p>
<p>"It's your shift."</p>
<p>Sergio quickly scarfed down the rest of his ration before grabbing his rifle and walking outside. The remains of his platoon, only twenty-five men, were camped in a bombed-out farmhouse on the outskirts of Copiapó, the Napalm City, thus named due to Antarctian bombers dumping tons of it on the city during the first week of the war. Sergio lit up a cigarette, the gauze and bandage over his left eye illuminated slightly in the dim light, the wound a product of grenade shrapnel. Suddenly a high-pitched whine Chilean soldiers had come to dread filled the air, and in the distance, a bugle call sounded.</p>
<p>"Hussars!" Sergio shouted. Turning the safety off, he aimed in the direction of where he thought the sound was coming from. And surely enough, a formation of Hussars riding those jet-powered hoverbikes emerged from the inky darkness, gauss carbines locked and loaded. Sergio managed to get a few shots off before a sharp spike of pain blossomed from his shoulder; falling back, he dropped his rifle automatically to clutch at the mangled remains of his left arm. The next few minutes were filled with gunfire; then, at last, a single shot rang out with a certain finality.<br/>Sergio could hear spurs; they came close and closer until a single Hussar stood over him. The skull-like gas mask covering their face made him feel as if the grim reaper himself stood over him. The Hussar hauled Sergio up by his shirt and raised their saber, it swung down, and Sergio's world became darkness.<br/>/ / / / / / / /</p>
<p>"So, Mr. Toad?" I said, looking at the man across from me; he was obviously a spy.</p>
<p>"That's Todd." He corrected.</p>
<p>"Are you currently or have ever been a CIA agent, Toad?" I smirked from behind my mask.</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>"That's a shame; I was hoping to get one. Anyway, you're hired, as my new garbage man; welcome to the team Toad."</p>
<p>"But I applied for secretary!" Toad said.</p>
<p>"I know, Toad, but you just have the look of a garbage man to me. You'll start tomorrow from four AM to twelve AM seven days a week, except on Sunday where you'll work from four to eleven." I stretched out my hand for him to shake; he didn't accept, probably because he saw the joy buzzer in the palm of my hand.</p>
<p>"What about my pay?"</p>
<p>"Two American dollars a week, and you'll be housed free of charge in a little shack about a hundred yards outside the castle. But be warned it's currently suffering from a Defiler Wasp infestation; they've made a rather large nest up in the rafters."</p>
<p>"Defiler Wasps?" Toad asked, his voice noticeably higher.</p>
<p>"Horrid little things, they get angry quite easily, sting ain't deadly, but it hurts like hell."</p>
<p>"Are you going to do anything about them!"</p>
<p>"Oh no, nothing short of Napalm would get rid of 'em. It would actually be better for your health if you made an igloo a few feet away from the place."</p>
<p>To Be Continued in the Next Action Chapter of Harry Potter and the Bored Outer God!</p>
<p>Inn Gramr af Gramra Munu Vinna- The King of Kings Will Conquer<br/>Trionium- A volatile element mined from the Earth's Outer Core.</p>
<p>PS: If you're wondering about the War Tune of the Principality and Rule, Antarctica. Here are some lyrics I conjured up; yes, they're blatant ripoffs of the Battle Hymn of the Republic and Rule, Britannia-<br/>War Tune of the Principality<br/>/Mine eyes have witnessed the glory of the Thousand Formed God;/<br/>/He is stamping out the fires of order and peace;/<br/>/His reach extends farther than the sun, stars, and more:/<br/>/His army is marching on./<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/His army is marching on./<br/>/I have seen Him in the background of a hundred world events,/<br/>/I can see His righteous symbol in the souls of humankind;/<br/>/His presence can be felt throughout all of history:/<br/>/His glory is marching on./<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/His glory is marching on./<br/>/He has sent forth the armies that shall never call retreat;/<br/>/They march from the gates of the stalwart Castle East;/<br/>/Our tanks crush the enemy beneath their mighty treads:/<br/>/Our God is marching on./<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Our God is marching on./<br/>/From the beauty of the Sultan, Chaos was born across the stars,/<br/>/With a fire in His hand and a crown atop His head./<br/>/As He arrived to make us his, let us die to make him pleased,/<br/>/Chaos is marching on./<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Glory, glory, to the Pharaoh!/<br/>/Our God is marching on./<br/>Rule, Antarctica<br/>/When Antarctica first, at Chaos' command/<br/>/Arose from out the frozen sea;/<br/>/This was the charter of the land,/<br/>/And Mi-go buzzed this strain:/<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/<br/>/The nations, not so blest as thee,/<br/>/Must, in their turns, to order fall;/<br/>/While thou shalt flourish powerful and free,/<br/>/The dread and envy of them all./<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/<br/>/Still more majestic shalt thou arise,/<br/>/More powerful, from each victory;/<br/>/As the loud blast that tears the skies,/<br/>/Serves but to root thy native snow./<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/<br/>/Thee haughty tyrants ne'er shall tame:/<br/>/All their attempts to make thee bow,/<br/>/Will but stoke thy mighty blaze;/<br/>/But work their woe, and thy renown./<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/<br/>/To thee belongs the world;/<br/>/Thy ports shall with commerce shine:/<br/>/All thine shall be the subject main,/<br/>/And every shore it circles thine./<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/<br/>/The soldiers, made of iron and steel,/<br/>/Shall defend thy happy coast;/<br/>/Blest Land! With matchless beauty crown'd,/<br/>/And mighty hearts to guard the weak./<br/>/"Rule, Antarctica! Antarctica rule the waves:/<br/>/"Antarctians never, never, never shall be enslaved."/</p>
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